Sealegs
by deadliving
Summary: How does a Pirate terrorizing the high seas end up in a small woodland town? It's in the water. Repost of 'Where dead fish float'
1. Beast of Pirate's Bay

**WTF dl?**

**Why are you reposting this story? I thought it was the pivotal one, the story you had to complete!**

**Well, I personnally didn't like where the story was going. Russell in the Navy? I even had an idea of their platoon saving a village being ransacked by cowboys. ?: **

**I'm going to keep the story proceeding in a logical manner**

**The first 2 chapters will be the same as the original.**

**Please Review, even a flame.**

Cuddles, Giggles, Petunia, and Toothy were enjoying a lovely meal at Russell's resturant. Toothy had scarfed down a plate of bacon. Everyone else was waiting for him to finish swallowing to leave. They all heard a horrible gargle, as a lump crawled through Toothy's throat. Petunia winced, "Can we leave now?" She turns to Cuddles, who was facing the seat behind, looking over where Russell was telling stories to the younger customers.

"Cuddles?" Giggles asks.

He crawls from the booth they were sitting at, and answered absentmidedly, "Yeah, hold on a second." The three watch him listen in on Russell's song.

The otter had a guitar on his lap, strumming the chords with his hook.

"...Don't you swim, fish, or row,

Come on, didn't you know?

In the water, up from the spray,

Comes the beast of Pirate's Bay!

He gobbles up Pirates,

swallows down the Navy,

He spares the Sea-men

(Their ramblings are crazy!)

It swallowed up ol' Moby.

It even got Shamu,

He gulped down Godzilla,

Now he's coming for you!

His teeth be large as steakknives,

his spines are tall as trees,

Yar he'll hunt you down,

He'll sink you in the sea!

It's tail measures a mile,

You'd better leave it be,

'Cause if you go fishin'

you'll end up just like me!" And he waves his hook around. Some of the children jump back, some are on their stomachs laughing. Russell gave a satisfied grin. "Okay, ye lads and lassies. Go enjoy the food!" Cuddles walks up to Russell.

"So is this beast real?" He inquires.

"Yar. It is." Russell replies.

Toothy, Petunia, and Giggles gather around. "Cuddles, it's almost closing time." Toothy interrupts.

"Yar, e's alright." Russell glances around. Mime was mime-arguing with a drive-through customer, and Disco was mopping the floors with headphones on. "Yar wanna know the truth about the Beast?" He asks.

The Four glance around. "It couldn't hurt." Russell picks up his guitar again.

"When I was a boy,

I went down the way.

But, there, I saw it,

the Beast of Pirate's Bay.

It was but a dolphin,

A spear stuck in it's side

It was boiling under the sun,

Choking in a wrinkly hide.

It was in so much pain,

We both cried.

The best I could do was let him die a quick death.

In a proper grave,

on the sandy shore,

The corpse lay, under a sign,

whose message bore;

Don't swim, fish, or row,

Come on, didn't you know?

In the water, up from the spray,

Comes the beast of Pirate's Bay!"

The four stare at Russell.

"Was that a true story?" Giggles peeped. Russell nods, tears welling up.

Petunia had been writing the whole story down. The scratches of the pen finally stopped. She looks up, eager for more stories. "Do you have any other stories?"

Russell leans towards them.

"Yar, do I!"

**Cliffhanger-ish**

**I don't own any thing.**

**'The Beast of Pirate Bay' is by Voltaire. (Yes, I changed lyrics, but it is close enough to the original that it could probably figure out the similarity)**

**Happy Tree Friends is from Mondo Media**

**Review ( or Flame, your pick!)**


	2. Fischmilch

**Yesterday I was sentenced to be suspended for three days, so I'm gonna have alot of time to work on these stories.**

**Review!**

**Thanks to Pheonix Reece for the idea.**

Russell dimmed the lights in the resturant, for Disco and Mime were asleep. He returned to his stool. "Now, I didn't always live in The Happy Forest. In fact I've only been here for 20 years out of my life. I was born and Raised in The North."

Cuddles sat in awe. He'd heard stories of The bitter landscape, thinking there was only snow and cannibalistic bears. Now knowing Russell was a citizen of the North, just gave his views a swift kick in the ass.

"Well, begining around my seventh Birthday, the rules for living changed. Because the Sea bears are often unpredictable, and hostile, most sea travelers stayed on a floating port away from the reach of sea bears, which was where I lived for a while. Then, when I was seven, the bear society slaughtered most of the cannibals and hostiles, so their economy would bloom. And it did! I moved to land, the first time I touched the Earth I now call home.

When I was 16, I had an arranged marriage with a bear named Kaati. By this time, I had many friends. And they got me kicked out of my home!"

* * *

Russell walks on board his ship the S. S. Montijo. He was greeted by a tremendous polar bear (sea bear) with massive raw-hide gloves. He pats Russell on the back. "So where's we goin' now?"

Russell laughs. "Well, I heard that there is a naturalist skunk sanctuary down towards the South, Igloo."

"What about your wife?" Igloo asks. Russell shrugs.

"Would you rather eat fresh fish or spoiled clams?" He replies in response. Both break out laughing. A platypus walks by, carrying a barrel of salted meat.

"How mature..." he mutters sarcastically, with an Australian accent. Igloo gives him a smack to the back, making him drop the barrel.

"Lighten up Monty. Nude girls wandering around beautiful forests!" Igloo bellows. Monty sweeps the strips of meat and grains of salt back into the barrel.

"You mean I left My house in the desert to see naked girls in the North?" He asks. Russell leaps infront of Monty.

"You _survive_ in the South. You _live_ in the North!" He exclaims. "We're the last of the pirates! Screw Carribea! We're the Pirates of Saskatchewan!"

"Yeah, and I'm guessing you think the Southerners are innocent sissies?" Monty asks.

"Have you ever eaten cold, pure fish before in the South?" Russell demands.

"Eh, I guess you're right." Monty mumbles. Russell gives Monty a hug, and Igloo scoops both of them up in a bear hug. "Excuse me, but this is horribly uncomfortable." Both let go, letting Monty drop to the floor. "Does your wife know that secret?"

Russell glances around. "I'm not a pirate if your not a mixed kid."

"It's only part panda. nNo one would know..." Monty grunts.

"Lets stop bickering and plunder some naked skunks!" Igloo intervenes.

"If I didn't see money coming from this, I'd think we'd have had no moral values at all!" Monty laughs sarcastically.

"Agreed." Russell chirps. "I think we need more men to plunder successfully."

Monty glances around, looking at his scrawny body, then at Russell's juevenille whiskers and long arms, the at Igloo's massive, flabby body. "Yeah..."

A month later, SS Montijo docks back at Russell's hometown. 50 drunk men, Monty, Igloo, and Russell all stumble to the tavern, Russell proclaiming it was on him.

Less than 10 minutes later, even Monty is a tipsy mess waiting to fall into the water. Russell and the men all stumble towards the closest inn.

Just as quickly they swarm the streets, refused to enter the Inns. "Where *hiccup* do weeeee ga-o?" Igloo asks.

Without thinking, Russell answers:"My wife lives around the corner."

* * *

Kaati wakes up to see Monty sitting at the foot of her bed. She glares at him, stunned. "You're a beaut' when ya sleep!" She runs out of bed, only to find lazy drunken seamen everywhere.

Russell wakes up on the Saint Bernard's doghouse, to Kaati screaming her head off. He rushes in to see her fuming. "There are seamen wall to wall! Your seamen got into my soup, mair, pants, and made the dog pregnant!" Igloo walks by, the Saint Bernard under his arm.

"Not my fault."

Kaati wags a finger at Russell. "Now I'm a very patient wife. But seamen are covering everything in sight! I don't want to see you darken my door way again. Clean up all your seamen, and come round my way no more!" She yells throwing Russell out the door. Next to him land Monty and Igloo. He hears Kaati pump a shotgun, and the rest flee into the horrible white landscape.

Monty turns to Russell, and Russell turns to Igloo. He stands up, dusts himself off and puts his hands on his sides. "Well. We don't have enough people to be good pirates."

Russell snickers, unsheathing his sword "Who said pirates are good?"

* * *

"What happens next, Russell?" Toothy asks eagerly.

"One second. Mime, you can join us!" he hollers. Mime appears from behind a booth."Well, lets get Disco out before he has a wet dream on the countertop before I continue." Toothy and Cuddles push Disco Bear off the table where he fell asleep.

"You can go home, tubby!" they yell. Disco lethargically crawls from the resturant.

"Some other night, ladies!" he cries, as he exits.

**The next chapters will take longer to write, and will be much more violent.**

**Sorry for the sick jokes, they fit the song!**

**Gute nacht!**


	3. Not an Average Day

**Moscow Mariachi!**

**Mestizos, Accordions, and Stalin in a Bikini!**

**You know you want it.**

Monty whistles happily, swabbing the deck with a moldy sponge. With each push of the mop, the water reaches a fat arm across the deck. As the ship rocked to and forth, the water's path curved to meet with it.

Russell was at the promontory of the ship, scanning the horizon for far off treasures. None could say what would lie beyond, so it was Russell's job to report and investigate after the fact. It was always exciting to behold a fatten ship, laden with gold and silver, or a bunch of naval noobs who don't even know port from starboard, to feel the build-up to the sacking. It was much more exciting than burning down his wife's house, Russell thought.

Igloo was steering the small pirate ship, not much larger than a sailboat. But what the _Carr_ lacked in size, she made up for in speed, and creature comfort.

As was the ship on a regular day.

This was not a regular day.

"Russell, it's to damn cold to sale, mate!" Monty shouts letting his otherwise subdued Australian accent come out. The Sea otter laughs, wagging a finger at the platypus.

"Oi, you shouldn't a' come onboard if it's too cold, Pussy!" He scolds playfully.

"Shut up, Russell, 's not like you don't complain!" Igloo barks. A Man by the Name of Thomas Huxley often said Dogs and Seabears are related. The raging bark he uttered just then lends a bit of proof to the idea.

"You're a seabear! You guys live in frozen ghettoes, for God's sake!" Russell smiles.

"Dead Arm!" He barks again, tossing a crate sized paw into Russell's forearm. The Otter leaps into the air, shouting a string of swears.

"Damnit, Igloo, what the Hell!" Monty shouts, as Russell comes in for a touchdown on the platypus, after leaping a good six feet up. The seaotter narrowly misses the platypus, instead landing on the railing.

Monty and Igloo go over to inspect the damage caused by the massive polarbear's hand.

"Are you alright?" Igloo asked. Monty reached out a hand to tap his shoulder, just as Russell slid off the railing into the blue sea.

The two rush for the falling body, only to be too late, having heard the 'splash' of a body into the brine.

Monty turns to Igloo, both having a look of shock and dread upon their visage. Monty grabbings Igloo's shoulders, shaking him wildly.

"WHAT THE HELL, YOU BASTARD! YOU KILLED RUSSELL!"

"I DID NOT KILL RUSSELL! WHY WOULD YOU EVE-"

"YOU'RE A CANNIBALISTIC URSINE!"

"TAKE THAT BACK, KIWIBUGGER!"

The two were about to draw pistols and send each other off to Hellheim, when a faint voice came from the abyss.

"Yar, before yar' shootin each other's brains out, help me up, I found a map!" Russell shouted, trying to keep his head bobbing above the water.

* * *

"So did Monty and Igloo solve things the Sam Peckinpah way?" Toothy asked, eyes filled with a most disturbed and corrupt hope.

"No, they helped me up, and we read the map." Russell explained.

"What's important about a map?" Petunia asked, playing Devil's Advocate.

The Pirate chuckles, "Oh surely, I must tell you, for it changed my life forever."

**Return of Sealegs! and Deadliving!**

**For those of you who are too 'new' to FF, it was a story I am very proud of until the Flippy-Flaky and OC Fanaticism came about. Then I leapt onboard with 'Laichzeit','Up in Arms', Ich Hasse Sie Mein Liebe', and such other things.**

**So, I have most unfortunate news.**

**BoulderTheDragon, one of the best authors (if not the best) on this site has left HTF, but you can still find him on Deviant Art as JaredvonDoom.**

**Review!**


End file.
